Tubular Spells


Something extraordinary happened last week. I was noodling on my guitar, which isn't the extraordinary bit. If my guitar was noodling on me or I was using my guitar to cook noodles, this would be exceptional. Incidentally, I don't recommend using your string instruments to cook. At best it warps the wood and at worst it burns down the house. Anyway, Thursday afternoon I was absent-mindedly playing the opening phrase of Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells. You know the one? It's used as the theme for the Exorcists and goes da da da da-dah da da da-dah dah. OK, that's probably not very helpful. Look it up if you're unsure.

But as soon as I'd played the phrase once, it began to hail and my phone received a message. The hail was appropriately atmospheric and the perfect spooky accompaniment for the theme of the Exorcist. But here's where it gets really creepy. I read my message and... it was from my aunt! That in itself isn't horrifying, but this particular aunt played a rendition of Tubular Bells on the popular Hey Hey It's Saturday segment Red Faces in the 80s.

I was unnerved. Surely these coincidences were too coincidental to be a coincidence? I surmised it must have been divine intervention.

As a result, I am no longer an atheist. I see what intelligent design advocates are on about now. There's just no way that it hails and my aunty messages me at once.

Something else is afoot.  It's confronting, but my semi-distracted guitar playing might influence the weather. I'm not arrogant enough to suggest that I'm the God, but I could be a god, or a saint, prophet, soothsayer, demigod or professional athlete. Who knows, my guitar could be supernatural. It was definitely in the living room once when an episode of Supernatural was on the telly. Perhaps the series' focus on demons and ghosts rubbed-off on it?

Mike Oldfield could be God? Tubular Bells is a pretty good album. Though, there are two Tubular Bells sequels. I think a deity would know not to do that.

At this stage I don't have answers, but that's not going to stop me charging people to listen to me promulgate my new found spirituality. I'll be running weekend seminars where people can touch the guitar, iMessage my aunt and study Mike Oldfield's official website. Noodles will be provided, so leave your logic and bring a fork. If anyone is interested just leave your name, credit card number and internet banking passwords in the comments field and I'll see you at my woodland compound.