I invited Sirs Roger Moore and Sean Connery to watch and review the fourth 007 film Thunderball
ROGER - Ah, what a delightful film. Thunderball has always been one of my favourite Bond adventures. It was the biggest 007 picture of the 60s, wasn't it, Sean?
SEAN - Stopping pissing in my pocket.
ROGER - And you can see why. It has everything you need in a James Bond movie: Thrills, action, pretty girls, gadgets -
SEAN - An actor other than you in the title role.
ROGER - Yes... Though the great thing about Bond is that every generation has their own actor who played the world's most famous secret agent. But I've always said that you, Sean are my pick for the best James Bond.
SEAN - Well, for once in your miserable existence you're right, Roger.
ROGER - Though I found it curious you were so quick to judge Moonraker last time we spoke, when the opening of this picture features you hovering about in a jet pack.
SEAN - There's a big leap between my Bond piloting a jet pack and your Bond having access to a space shuttle. One is feasible and one is so stupid it makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.
ROGER - Speaking of vision impairment, isn't Emilio Largo a terrific villain?
SEAN - Yes, though I felt sorry for Adolfo Celi having to wear an eye patch for the role; he only got to see half my performance.
ROGER - I'm not sure that quite make sense -
SEAN - It does, if you don't not un-think about it.
ROGER - What?
SEAN - Come on, keep up, Roger! You're so slow.
ROGER - Not as slow as the pace of this movie, I'm afraid to say.
SEAN - Oh terrific quip. Clap, clap. You must be a real hit at dinner parties. Thunderball has nukes, NATO and nutters; what more do you want?
ROGER - It has all the right ingredients, but things like showing the entire operation where SPECTRE dismantles the NATO aircraft was a little unnecessary.
SEAN - What's unnecessary is showing your old-arse pursed lip smooching in a motion picture. I've seen sexier kisses from seals licking their handlers.
ROGER - I know many people find my rigid, close lipped kissing a little old fashioned -
SEAN - And disgusting.
ROGER - But a lot of older audiences found it romantic. I was at a cake raffle in Brighton when this dear old woman approached me -
SEAN - If this story ends with you bedding an organiser of a parish fete because she likes to watch your prudish kissing, I'm selling all my worldly possessions and moving to a quiet monastery in the Andes.
ROGER - No, no. I was about to say -
SEAN - You did, didn't you, ya sick bastard? You nailed her on a table next to some meringues.
ROGER - I...
SEAN - Hmm?
ROGER - So, Thunderball: A story of nuclear extortion set in some wonderful, exotic locations. A bit slow at times, but a fun ride with a few surprises.
SEAN - Are you still talking about the broad from the cake stall?
ROGER - Four stars from me.
SEAN - You're a predator, Moore. You know that?
Roger Moore & Sean Connery will return in Roger Moore & Sean Connery Sit Down to Review Live and Let Die. Subscribe to receive the next instalment.