Abbott's Great Push

Abbott Map

Conceding today his plan to buy boats from people smugglers was "bloody loopy", Prime Minister Tony Abbott unveiled a new scheme to stop the boats.

Speaking at a press conference in front of a shed, Mr. Abbott announced he will cease all illegal boat traffic to Australia by pushing Earth's continents together.

"Creating one giant land mass, or Pangaea, will stop the need for anyone to board a boat," Mr. Abbott explained.

Pressed on the plausibility of the proposal, the Prime Minister was confident the plan is achievable.

"I don't know if you've ever looked at Africa and South America on a map, but they'll slot in beautifully. It's as though they were once joined already."

However, Mr. Abbott is yet to consult the international community. United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has reservations.

"What? A super continent? Sure, why not? I've heard less crazy ideas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a table booked for 8 o'clock."

Mr. Abbott's policy has the full support of his Coalition colleagues, including Minister for Immigration and Border Protection Scott Morrison.

"The Prime Minister's policy will make people smuggling by boat impossible. Unless they get those land boats. They exist, don't they?"

Stage two of the Pangaea Solution involves draining the planet's oceans and firing the water into the sun.

"Sometime down the road, we will be alleviating Earth of its water to ensure smugglers don't sail around the giant landmass' edges. Admittedly, this will hit recreational sailors, but we haven't won an Americas Cup since 1983 anyway and I stress people will still be free to sail in their bathtubs. On the question of what to do with the water: Look, as I say, that will be down the track, but I would imagine some sort of giant super-soaker water pistol, is our best bet."