I invited Sirs Roger Moore and Sean Connery to watch and review the eleventh 007 film Moonraker (1979). ROGER - We've just watched the final credits roll on my fourth outing as British secret agent James Bond, Moonraker. It's just as I remembered: A good old fashioned detective story, full of adventure, intrigue, stunning locations and -
SEAN - What's with the fucking lasers, Roger?
ROGER - I know this film isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I remember I was out walking in the historic village of Wickham and this dear old lady approached me to say just how much she loved the movie. Her husband had died only months before it came out and -
SEAN - Forget the tart from Wickham, what was your idiot arse doing in outer space firing blue beams at people?
ROGER - Eh, well, the plot concerns megalomanic billionaire Hugo Drax; a man obsessed with creating a master race, who steals a space shuttle. Naturally, my investigation leads me to the moon.
SEAN - I've wanked over Carry On movies that have less nonsense plots.
ROGER - If you remember, Sean, at the time of Moonraker's release, science fiction was all the rage, as the kids would say. When you saw it originally in 1979, I'm sure you viewed it more favourably.
SEAN - I sure as shit didn't see that piece of bullocks in 1979 and if I had, I wouldn't have used a tosser word like, 'favourably' to describe my reaction.
ROGER - Really? You didn't see my movie at the cinema?
SEAN - I own a golf course. I've got better things to do than sit in a dark room and watch you prance about in a flared tuxedo.
ROGER - Yes, well, I believe that while certain aspects of the film may have dated somewhat, the performances are incredible. Emily Bolton, who played Manuela was wonderful to work with -
SEAN - Good God, the scene where you undid her dress and asked, "How do you kill five hours in Rio if you don't samba?" made me throw up in my mouth and no one wants to taste clam chowder twice while thinking of you on the job. The thought of you sambaing is disgusting enough.
ROGER - Moving away from that, what did you think of the stunts?
SEAN - The stunts were fine, but why was their a fucking chain just hanging around the in cable car? Was it a primitive seatbelt?
ROGER - No, James was able to use the chain to turn the cable into a flying fox. A secret agent must be able to use the tools around them to his or her advantage.
SEAN - Yes, exactly; use what's around you, not what's conveniently placed there for you so you can slide away from some tall bloke.
ROGER - (Sighs) What were some of the positives of this rollicking adventure film for you, Sean?
SEAN - I liked when you shot the guy in the tree. That's it. One moment in a two hour movie.
ROGER - And for me it would have to be the stunning visual effects.
SEAN - You're joking? The special effects look like Stanley Kubrick made a commercial for Lego. Alright, enough. I've got to go toss out all my samba records and set chains all over my house in case I ever need to make a quick escape.
ROGER - Um, Moonraker; certainly not everybody's favourite 007 adventure, but a fun, dazzling motion picture all the same.
SEAN - Have they changed the word for shit to dazzling? In that case, I'm gonna go take a dazzle to cleanse myself of this God awful movie.
ROGER - And it gets three out of five stars from me.
Roger Moore & Sean Connery will return in Roger Moore & Sean Connery Sit Down to Review Thunderball. Subscribe to receive the next instalment.